Pulling your weight

One of the biggest struggles I have emotional is not feeling like I am pulling my weight in the family.

The term "pull your weight” refers to you doing your fair share of work that a group of people is doing together: If the person doesn't start pulling his weight, he'll lose his job.

       My husband has to take on all the responsibilities of earning our family's income. The weight of that for him is not missed in my eyes. I often worry about his health and wellness because I know what a life change that was when I stopped working 9 years ago. I carry the guilt of having to stop working all the time. I struggle to keep up with house work. Our house often looks like a unfinished game of  Jumanji is ongoing. Dirty dishes can be found in my sink on any day of the week. My older children have been doing the laundry for years. I try so hard but most days I can't pull my own weight as a wife and mother. I can not handle my fair share of " my work." I hate having to ask my children to lift something ,open something, carry something. I hate asking them to do my job. Being chronically ill affects everyone in the family. It took me a long time to see that. After all I am the one hurting, it is happening to my body not theirs! How can they be frustrated? It's not happening to them. This is a struggle I think we all can relate to. 
      
     A few years ago a friend asked do something for me.  I can not even recall now what it was but when I told her no she did not need to it she said  "don't rob me of my blessing! It is a blessing to bless you. Don't rob me of that blessing." I was not trying to rob her of anything. I just wanted to pull my own weight. But the truth was I was going to rob her of the blessing of serving me. She wanted to carry some of my weight and that was not a burned to her. It was a blessing. But I had to let go of the weights I was struggling to pull. 

     I started to understand that those who help me pull my  weight were blessed by it. And yes even though the frustration of me being chronically ill bubbled up in all of us from time to time. Not because they view me as being lazy but rather that the weight they help me carry is heavy.  They have their own weights to carry. Think of it this way, each family member is given weights at each birthday. The older you get the more weight you carry. So the children in a family carry less weight than the parents. The scales will tip at some point in life. For most normal people that happens sometime in your 70s. When your children start to help you carry your weight. Or if one of parents gets sick the family and friends will help carry the load. For instance when a Mother gives birth the Father may help with household courses for a time. Until such time the Mother can start pulling her weight again at home. For a chronically ill person that shift happens much early and sadly most often they are never able to take back their weights full time. It is easy for people outside of my family to not understand how our household works. I heard for years when will you go back to work? What were they asking? When will you start to pull your own weight? I have even had someone say " don't you want to take some of the pressure off your husband?" Of course I do! But the truth is yes there is a measure of weight that it takes to manage a family and household. But the needs of the family determine how the weight is carried. I am so glad that I have not robbed my family the blessing of helping me carry my weight. It is a blessing to all of us.
      All my kids own how to cook food for themselves and others. The two older ones can do any household course that needs to be done. The youngest is learning new skills each day. We are still working on the washer and dryer. For now his older siblings carry that weight most of the time. Those are all skills they had to learn to help me carry the weight of running the household. My husband is the hardest working man I know. Because of his hard work to provide for our family my children have a strong work ethic. They show up early and will stay late to make sure the job is done right. They can come together to take on any job as team. The lie that each of us have weights that we alone must carry with no help is one of the biggest lie the devil has ever sold us. Jesus whole ministry was to help carry the weight of others. He tells us in Matt 11:28
" Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

                          Jesus was the model for helping carry the weight of others. 

Jesus told his followers to  Sell your possessions, and give to the needy.
Luke 12:33a

     Now don't get me wrong it is easy  to go down the lazy road  when others start to carry your load. It is easy use our sickness as a excuse but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about when others help you with your load because they love you and see your struggle. Their goal is to help you live, help you not struggle so much, to have time to heal and recover.
 Jesus is the only one who took the weight and kept it. 

Isaiah 53:4 Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted

     As Christians it is our job to be the model of Jesus to others. To help carry their load when they can not. I am so thankful I have so many to pick up my weights when they are to heavy to bare.  But I have to be willing to give up the load when it gets to heavy. The same is true in my relationship with Jesus. I have to be willing to give up my griefs and sorrows. I have to give up the sin I struggle with. I mange pain for a living it is a easy thing for me to say I can handle this struggle, I got this, I have the tools to help me. But most days in the physical I can't mange things well enough to pull my own weight. I mange them enough to get by with the help of others. The greatest tool I have in my pain management tool box is people who love me and support me.  The greatest tool I have in life is that Jesus took my load. I no longer have to bare the punishment for my sin. Don't rob others of the blessing of helping you carry your load. Don't be robbed on the blessing of being able to lighten the load of someone. And don't miss out of the biggest blessing of all. Allowing Jesus to take the load you bare from grief and sorrow from death and sin. And most of all don't believe the lie that says we can't help each other carry the weight we bare in life. Take time today to say thank you to those who help you carry your load. Try and do something today on this Giving Tue to help lighten the load of something struggling. A cup of hot tea after a long day out in the cold bitter world can be a spirit lifter for sure. Prayer is one of the most effective way to lighten the load someone is baring. How can you help someone pull their weights today? Thank you to all those to help me pull my weight. I love you all and have you always in my prayers. 

Giving thanks even when it hurts

Giving thanks to a place of consent pain is one of the hardest things to do. Nobody feels like saying Thank you for anything when you hurt every moment of every day. No one can cast blame on me if I don't feel like saying thank you God for this life you gave me. But God takes giving thanks seriously. Over and over again in the Bible, we see the words  "Give Thanks" Psalms 100:4 is just one of the many places we are commanded to give thanks. 

Psalm 100:4(ESV) Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name!

   The apostle Paul knew more than his share of sorrow, his life was full of pain. But yet time and time again Paul counseled the believers in Thessalonica to do just that:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

   I believe not only did Paul understood the spiritual benefit of giving thanks when you're hurting. He had benefited the fruit from giving thanks from a place of Paul. When you give thanks when you are hurting no matter if it is physical or emotional pain, it takes your focus off yourself and puts it on, God.  

But how, in the middle of our pain, can we possibly give thanks?

Paul was well aware of what he could and couldn't do. He knew his missionary work was far beyond his natural strength, so he became dependent on the power of the Holy Spirit at work in him. He kept the lines open between him and the Holy Spirit to work in his heart and mind. It is only when we stop struggling and surrender to God can we allow the Holy Spirit to work in and through us. Then we become a pipeline for the Spirit's power to do impossible things, like give thanks even when we're hurting. I believing giving Thanks is one of the things that open up that power pipeline. 

 This thanksgiving you may be having a hard time seeing anything to be thankful for. Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time to remember and be grateful. Maybe looking back on this year you can't see many things you are grateful for or maybe they are too painful to remember. When my heart becomes ungrateful I always start naming off simple joys. My family, my friends, my heated blanket to warm my sore joints, My favorite worship album, my favorite movie. But most of all Jesus. Even in my pain, He is there he will never leave me or forsake me.  Your circumstances may be miserable, and you're desperately praying they will change.  God hears you he may allow your situation to continue, but know this: God is in control, not your circumstances. And he is right there with you. That is something to be very thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving friends

    The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Ps 34:18

They don't get it

They don’t get it, they don’t understand, they can’t see me and where I am. 

The old saying “ You should walk a mile in my shoes “seems to ring so true. 

They don’t get it, they don’t understand, they can’t see me and where I am. 

Where I am and where I want to be is a content tug of war within me. 

My heart lies and tells my body you can be where they are, just try harder and you will see. But the truth lives inside my bones it cracks and pops and moves to hard. With every step I take trying to desperately  trying to revive life into the old me. 

It is a fruitless effort she is gone, no longer alive. 

The whole and healthy that once was is in the grave dead and gone. 

All that is left is the painful reminder that who I was and how that will never be. 

They don’t get it, they just don’t understand, they can’t see me and where I wish I could be. Longing to be Outside with friends not drawn within, where shadows whispers of no mores and never again. They don’t get it, they don’t understand, they can’t see me and where I am. I draw within settled into my grief, the old me is dead and gone only the shell of pain now lives in me. The inside of me wanting to run and jump work and care for those I love. The outside of me in bed unable to move in total dependents of others. I wish they could see the real me the one that lives within. The real me not my pain or my symptoms not my needs or what We wish to be. But the one who wants to feel loved and wanted. Don't tell me what I can do or not do I know that truth all to well.

 Tell me you love me enough to include me where I am. I wish they would be like the only one who understands, One who see's me and where I am. He draws near to me when no one else can reach within. I draw near to him knowing he understands. He gets it, He understands, He can see me and where I am. I am so thankful he comes to me just as I am. 

Psalm 139 English Standard Version (ESV)

Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

139 

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

2 

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

    you discern my thoughts from afar.

3 

You search out my path and my lying down

    and are acquainted with all my ways.

4 

Even before a word is on my tongue,

    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

5 

You hem me in, behind and before,

    and lay your hand upon me.

6 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

    it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 

Where shall I go from your Spirit?

    Or where shall I flee from your presence?

8 

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

9 

If I take the wings of the morning

    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10 

even there your hand shall lead me,

    and your right hand shall hold me.

11 

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

    and the light about me be night,”

12 

even the darkness is not dark to you;

    the night is bright as the day,

    for darkness is as light with you.

13 

For you formed my inward parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

14 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]

Wonderful are your works;

    my soul knows it very well.

15 

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

16 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

    the days that were formed for me,

    when as yet there was none of them.

17 

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

18 

If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

    I awake, and I am still with you.

19 

Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!

    O men of blood, depart from me!

20 

They speak against you with malicious intent;

    your enemies take your name in vain.[b]

21 

Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?

    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?

22 

I hate them with complete hatred;

    I count them my enemies.

23 

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

    Try me and know my thoughts![c]

24 

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting![d]

The kiss of Betrayal

I often say this," My body is a real jerk!" ( OK truth sometimes I use a more colorful term) but you get the idea. I feel like it betrays me all the time. One moment I am out living life with friends the next I am in bed for a few days in recovery mode. And I am not talking about the kind of recovery you need in collage after a night out with the gang. Not because of to much fried food or drinks and dancing. But because you went to dinner with friends than maybe hit a few stores in the mall. You even used the wheelchair at the store when it was available. This is what I am dealing with today recovery mode because my body is a jerk and has betrayed me. We spent a wonderful weekend with friends in Maine this past weekend. We went out to eat, did a bit of shopping. Sat outside by the campfire and chatted, it was wonderful. I held my friends sweet baby boy and cuddled him close to my chest. All the while my shoulders betrayed me, my back betrayed me. My knees betrayed me. I kept slipping inside to take more pain medication. To just rest for a moment. But deep down inside I wanted to just live with no worry of my body back stabbing me for just living life. I watched all my friends played this popular yard game called Corn-hole. I just wanted to try it out for a whirl so I threw a bean bag and as I tossed it my shoulder rolled into a hard sub-flex. I said Nope my shoulder hates that. You see when you live with a body that betrays you, everything you do is dictated by your body. My heart wanted to play the game with my friends but my shoulder quickly reminded me Hey remember me the jerk you call your body? I won't let you do this! I was 34 when my body started to betray me. 9 years later I still get upset and shocked when there are things my body simply won't let me do. I think the biggest struggle I have is that I forget my body is not the same as the rest of my friends and family. In my mind I just think that game looks so fun. I want to play, engage in the fun and fellowship going on in my friends driveway. But to do, that I suffer the cost of pain and injury to my body. Betray is something we all can relate to. It is a deep hurt by someone you thought had your back. Even Jesus understands what it feels like to be betrayed by a friend. In Luke 22 we read about how Jesus was betrayed by Judas. This was a bitter betrayal, imagine they had just had dinner together. They had shared Passover dinner recalling all God had done for them. Just hours before Jesus arrest Judas had sat with Jesus as a friend even a student learning and growing. And just like that their relationship was broken. Betrayal is something not easy to get over. Jesus understood that this was part of the Fathers plan. Betrayal a bitter kiss from a friend. I relate to this because in a moment my body betrays me. I can be sitting enjoying dinner with friends and the next I have to lay down because my blood pressure drops to fast. Betray is not something you just get over. The phrase forgive and forget is easy on the lips but rough on the heart. Its stings last like a paper cut with lemon juice in it. I do find comfort that Jesus understands my heart. He knows the sting of betray. But my heart can not always lay down its life with the wants and needs of my heart. More often my heart rises up in anger when I feel betrayed. How did Jesus press his lips to Judas cheek in the garden? How did forgiveness come so easy to him? His life was not his own and he had come to peace with that.  Just moments before he said to his Father not your will but mine. I struggle with that, I want my will, my way. I want my body to work the way I want it to. But it is in control much like the Fathers will for Jesus. Being betrayed by your body means losing control of what you want. I find comfort that even Jesus wrestled with this truth. He plead with his Father to find a different way.  Matthew 26: 39 says   And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will. 
I find myself saying the same prayer almost daily. Lord if it is your will heal me. let this cup pass from me. But God if you can gain glory from my life I will kiss the betrayal of my body on the cheek. Maybe not with as much as Grace as Jesus but with the same heart. One that only wants your will for my life. 

Faith comes

Romans 10:1717 So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ

When I turn on the faucet in my kitchen I have faith that water will come out of it. But not just any water clear healthy to drink water. I have faith in my water supply but sadly most days I have more faith in my water system them my God. Being chronically ill will test your faith, Dare I say it would test the Popes faith. 

   So how does one find faith? What is faith? It is believing without seeing. Stepping out before you see the ground to hold you. Its praying in thanksgiving over food you don't yet. My Father tells a story of this early collage years. The school was a small faith based bible collage. All the students enters the dining hall for their evening meal only to find there was for food for them to eat. My Father started to count the change in his pocket to see if he could go by a burger. One of the Teachers asked a young man to pray over their evening meal. My Dad stood in disbelief shaking his head. You people are crazy praying for food we don't have any food! Can't you see we have no food! The obedient student took on the task and begin to pray in thanksgiving for Gods provisions for them. I am sure my Father was not alone in thinking these people are nuts! I am sure most were thinking, Lets see if between all of us we can buy a couple of pizzas. Just as the young man  finished Grace a farmer pulled in with a truck load of potatoes to give the collage. My Father learned a important lesson that night. Faith is not something we can built up in a moment of need. But rather a tool we learn by being in relationship with Jesus. My Fathers teacher knew who to call on for help. She knew who to trust. Now that was 45 plus years ago my Father since than has learned the lesson of faith. But like so many he did not know how faith worked. He was blessed with many good teachers who taught him about faith. A lesson him and my Mother have pasted down to us kids. We have lived by faith, most of my childhood was lived by faith. Not knowing where our next meal was coming from or some days where we would be sleeping. How do you learn to live by faith? How can people call for help if they don’t know who to trust? And how can they know who to trust if they haven’t heard of the One who can be trusted?
   The only way you can believe in God is to hear from His word and without a word from God you have no basis for faith.  So much of being chronically ill is trying to stay positive in dark days. We struggle with physical and mental state and just trying to pay bills and feed our families.Without faith I know for myself I would be engulfed into a pit of darkness most days. Every pain clinic I have been a part of use speaks about finding tools for mindfulness meditation interventions to help manage pain and stress in your body. I have a set of tools I use but they don't look anything like what the pain clinic gave me. I intake Gods word, meditate on it. I turn off all the lights  lay flat on my bed turn on worship or a sermon. When depression and hopelessness of Elhers Danlos creep into my mind and body, when the pain is so bad all I can do is lay in bed, I have faith. Not because it rises out of the dust but because I know who to trust. One of the most important lessons I have learned is I can never stop building my faith.  The intake of Gods word is the greatest tool I have in my pain management tool box.  Now I must admit that most days I try everything else before I turn to it.
    Does that mean we should forget modern medications? NOPE! God gave us those tools to use to manage life with. From medications we take to manage the chemicals and balance ion our brains or level out our blood sugar. Don't think for a moment I am saying replace what the Dr has told you to do to live the best healthy life with daily  bible reading.

  Matthew 4:4 says But he answered, “It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’ 

     What was Jesus saying? Bread is good but Bread is not enough! We need the word of God to live healthy life! One thing I can not control is my health. Elhers Danlos controls that. As I write this I have tendinitis in my right arm and now I am pretty sure my left arm as well. I have occupational Therapy in a couple weeks and already had injection to help the inflammation.  I can do things to help manage it but I have no control over the fact that my limbs and joints move to much. That is out of my hands. But one thing I can control is my spiritual health and well-being. My faith is in my grips, I get to control the intake of Gods word in my life. Faith comes when I listen to God. If you are lacking faith today what voice are you listening to? 

Taming the flesh

I have a phrase that I find often coming out of my mouth in reference to the physical effect Ehlers-Danlos has had on my body. "I hate my body! I hate every fiber of it." It is said mostly out of frustration and pain. It occurred to me what I really was angry at was my symptoms and my pain rather than the source itself. A better word for my body is my flesh and bone. I should be saying I hate my flash every bone every joint every fiber every muscle, every cell of mutated collagen. It occurred to me that in spiritual sense that's how we should be! We should hate our flesh! Live by the Spirit walk in the light. I take medication, use essential oils, heat, ice, movement, stillness and rest. The cast or ace bandages, braces that support my joints, Have a great medical team that gives me great care.  I have wonderful family and friends, who support my heart and body. I am contently in a juggle to try and do just about anything to keep my flesh from not raging in distress!  What I should be doing is spending more time taming my eternal flesh rather than this temporary one.  After all Ephesians 6:12 (ESV)  says 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

Romans 8: 5:11 says this

5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. 8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.9 You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. 10 But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus[d] from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you

My flesh often speaks louder than my spirit. It has taken me years to learn that one of the best pain relievers I have is setting my mind not on my flesh but on the Spirit of the living God. When I find myself screaming, I hate my body! I hate every fiber of it; I retreat into my room alone. I turn off the lights; lay on my face on the bed and put worship music on.  I just ask the Holy Spirit to come and sit with me. I have had to learn how to tame my flesh and bones. Yes my medical tools help but the best soothing I have is from the warmth of the Holy Spirit in the middle of my rage and pain.  I daily struggle to keep my bones and flesh from falling apart, but I struggle more with keeping my inner flesh from ripping my spirit man apart. The two go hand in hand. When I stray from walking in the Spirit my physical body struggles to coupe with my chronic illness.  If you are struggling today take time to tame the flesh. The flesh is death but the Spirit is life and peace! Remember these words today as you try and tame your flesh both inner and outward. 

Psalms 73 :26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 

Hope in Winter

Fall has begun to find its way here to Vermont. I love it. Fall is one of my favorite times of the year here. Leggings and a T shirt will do most days. Yet I can still wear my favorite shoes my crocs with socks if need be. 
     Last night I sat by a camp fire with friends on one of the first cool nights we had, I was noticing how much I Love fall in New England. But not everyone is a fan of fall. A few years ago I stood in my mother in laws yard looking at the first few leafs starting to show signs of color change. My mother in law told me she hates fall. I stood in shock how any one could hate fall in Vermont. People come from all over the world to see fall in New England.
I  questioned her as to why she hated fall? She replied because I know what comes after. Winter ! 
Winter in Vermont is so long and hard! I laughed, I understand but I just try and enjoy a good season while we have it. Stock up the joy of cool fall mornings wrapped in a blanket, a mug in hand filled with hot tea and a bowel of apple pie for breakfast. Who does not like Pie for breakfast?
     Seasons do change and I too like my mother in law understand what comes after fall in Vermont. Shorter days, longer nights, snow that covers the ground like a down filled blanket. Ice sake rinks where driveways once stood. Temps so cold your nose freezes together when you breath in the frozen air.

    Life is full of seasons that change and not just the one that change the colors of the trees, but seasons of life. Seasons are just a frame of time in life. The time passes and then season change. Like now, Fall is just starting but before I know it leggings and a T shirts will be just one of the many lairs I put on before I walk out the door to face the cold dark winter days.

There Is a Time for Everything
Ecclesiastes 3:1-5 

1 There is a time for everything, and everything on earth has its special season. 2 There is a time to be born and a time to die. There is a time to plant and a time to pull up plants. 3 There is a time to kill and a time to heal. There is a time to destroy and a time to build. 4 There is a time to cry and a time to laugh. There is a time to be sad and a time to dance. 5 There is a time to throw away stones and a time to gather them. 

I love verse 5, that is a wonderful picture of fall in Vermont. A time to throw out stuff that will not be helpful and a time to gather before winter sets in.
 We can apply this truth to own spiritual life too. We have season of plenty and times of want. During the fall seasons of our spiritual life we need to throw out the waste in our life. The things in our life that take up space, because winter will come. A time when nothing new is growing. A time when there is nothing in our life that is giving us warmth. Sometimes in the dead of Winter here we will have two or three days where it is not safe to go out of the house. You have to use what you have in the house. Snow is up to the doorways. Most good Vermonters will have a stockpile to take from during those days. A wood pile outside their doorways to fed the wood-stove. Can goods they have put way during the fall harvest. Outside Winter may be having its way but inside the true Vermonters home it has no place. Rather they sit with mug and hand and mouth full of mothers sweet apple pie made from the apple stockpile that was picked during the fall season. We as believer need to stockpile the Word of God at the door way of our heart so that during the long dark spiritual season of winter we have a resources to pull from. It is a common things for people to freeze to death here in New England because they did not have enough fuel to burn. They did not plan ahead for winters dark days. Such a good truth for us believers to hear that we all have to plan ahead for the hard times. As the writer of Ecclesiastes knew life has seasons. We just need to be prepared for the seasons change.
I love fall because I too know what comes after Winter.. I am just thankful God has given us a chance to prepare for winter. Being Chronically ill you have to stock pile during those good days. Remember the warm day light of Autumn during the long days of pain that keeps you in bed for days. The promise the sun will shine again. Like cold winter months in Vermont it may be weeks or even months between a good day. But for those of us that trust in Christ we know that one day there will be no more pain, no more tears, no more long winter nights where the hope for sunshine seems out of reach. We have hope for Spring to come! A new day, A new body not riddled with pain and sickness. But whole and healthy! If it was not for that hope I have trust in I would never make it through the days of winter my physical illness causes.
Are you prepare? What have you put your hope in? Winter is just a season for those have put their hope in Christ! 

Blooming in a Cage

I have always loved going to the zoo. I love seeing all the animals God created. The mighty Elephants blowing its trunk and flapping its ears, the majestic Tigers displaying their stripes. The Lions roar that commands respect and honor. Exotics birds flying with wings spread open wipe in a rainbow of flight. But even with all the beauty within the zoo there is deep sadness.

The truth is, the real the mighty majestic honor of rainbow is never fully on display in the cages of a zoo. That my friend,  is what it is like to live inside the body of someone who is chronically ill person. Inside you feel like you want to strut your goods for the world to see but the reality is you are trapped in a cage that was set by your own body. At least for me that is how it is.

    Up until about 10 years ago I was a pretty healthy person. I built and owned my own businesses from the ground up. I was a very active part of my church community and activities. I went to the park and played with kids, rode bikes even went jogging a few times a week. But when I got pregnant with my third child my body just fell apart. I mean really started to fall apart. For the next four years I would undergo test after test, Dr. after Dr. without knowing why I was sick. 

At first they would say well you just had a baby, you are over tired. Give it some time you will be back to your old self again. But that was not the truth. I had fallen into a trap and could not get out. I tried for 4 years to get out. Eating better, losing weight, only working part time.  Every pill or test they threw at me I tried. But nothing worked I was trapped. I am no animal expert but I have trapped a few ground hogs and raccoons in my time and they will work themselves to death trying to get free from the trap. That was me, trying hard to get out of something that was locked shut, my body. Every year, approximately 44.193 Americans die by suicide. While many suicide-related deaths are linked to mental illness, a new study shows that having a chronic illness can increase suicide risk as well. Don’t worry I am not suicidal but I have and still do at times feel like death will be relief from my body. I often say I can’t wait for Jesus to give me a new body, the one I have is defective

The cage I live in is called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome or (EDS) for short. EDS is a group of connective tissue gene disorders, and symptoms include skin that tears or bruises easily and unstable joints prone to frequent dislocations, among other issues ‘like Gastrointestinal issues, dysautonomia, adrenal problems, “Fatigue , dental problems, loss of sight or hearing,  Insomnia and the list goes on. EDS affects somewhere between 1 in 5,000 people in the United States, Lucky me for being so rare! I asked some of my EDS friends what it is like living in their bodies with EDS. Here are a few of their replies.

“It is like I'm relying on a bridge made of paper to keep me from falling. It's so unpredictable and I can't trust my own body"

"Normal people joints are help together with super glue while mine are help together with chewed up bubblegum"

For myself when I final had my diagnosis I felt like for the first time in my life I understood myself.  I had lived my whole life like a animal born in captivity. The cage I was born into was my normal.  My whole life I never knew I was living in a cage. I would see normal healthy people live and think man, I am just dumb, lazy, not good enough. My inner dialog was and can still be pretty ugly. The sad fact is I was spending all my time trying to get out of a cage I was born to live in. Now please don’t flood my comment section about how God made me to be healthy and how I have to walk in health. I do believe that all sickness is a result of mankind’s sin. I do believe in a moment God could heal my body but I also know that before I was knit in my Mother’s womb God knew me by name. We are all born into a body created by God. Each one with its own flaws, hiccup’s and defects of its own kind. I know healing is mine and it will either reach me here on earth or in Heaven.  It would be great if it was now but if not, I will live my life from my cage with joy. One day I will have a whole body without sickness. Free from the cage that binds me on earth. One of the greatest lessons chronic illness has taught me is that Joy can be found anywhere at any time. A couple of years ago I was fighting with God, full of anger at the cage He built for me. The Lord gently told me to ‘Bloom where he planted me’. As a Christian and born into a body that is defective, it makes you ask God ‘why he built you a broken body? “I begin to see that in my cage there is still fruit that can grow , still broken vessels to be filled with oil. God loves cracked pots and nothing cracks more than a body that is built so your joints pop out at a smallest movement. I begin to fight less and bloom more. It is still a struggle sometimes moment by moment. But this is where I am planted and God wants to bring fruit from my cage.  

Can you bloom in all your mighty majestic honor of rainbow from the cage built for you?

Jeremiah 17:8 English Standard Version (ESV

⁸ He is like a tree planted by water,

    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”