Blooming in a Cage

I have always loved going to the zoo. I love seeing all the animals God created. The mighty Elephants blowing its trunk and flapping its ears, the majestic Tigers displaying their stripes. The Lions roar that commands respect and honor. Exotics birds flying with wings spread open wipe in a rainbow of flight. But even with all the beauty within the zoo there is deep sadness.

The truth is, the real the mighty majestic honor of rainbow is never fully on display in the cages of a zoo. That my friend,  is what it is like to live inside the body of someone who is chronically ill person. Inside you feel like you want to strut your goods for the world to see but the reality is you are trapped in a cage that was set by your own body. At least for me that is how it is.

    Up until about 10 years ago I was a pretty healthy person. I built and owned my own businesses from the ground up. I was a very active part of my church community and activities. I went to the park and played with kids, rode bikes even went jogging a few times a week. But when I got pregnant with my third child my body just fell apart. I mean really started to fall apart. For the next four years I would undergo test after test, Dr. after Dr. without knowing why I was sick. 

At first they would say well you just had a baby, you are over tired. Give it some time you will be back to your old self again. But that was not the truth. I had fallen into a trap and could not get out. I tried for 4 years to get out. Eating better, losing weight, only working part time.  Every pill or test they threw at me I tried. But nothing worked I was trapped. I am no animal expert but I have trapped a few ground hogs and raccoons in my time and they will work themselves to death trying to get free from the trap. That was me, trying hard to get out of something that was locked shut, my body. Every year, approximately 44.193 Americans die by suicide. While many suicide-related deaths are linked to mental illness, a new study shows that having a chronic illness can increase suicide risk as well. Don’t worry I am not suicidal but I have and still do at times feel like death will be relief from my body. I often say I can’t wait for Jesus to give me a new body, the one I have is defective

The cage I live in is called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome or (EDS) for short. EDS is a group of connective tissue gene disorders, and symptoms include skin that tears or bruises easily and unstable joints prone to frequent dislocations, among other issues ‘like Gastrointestinal issues, dysautonomia, adrenal problems, “Fatigue , dental problems, loss of sight or hearing,  Insomnia and the list goes on. EDS affects somewhere between 1 in 5,000 people in the United States, Lucky me for being so rare! I asked some of my EDS friends what it is like living in their bodies with EDS. Here are a few of their replies.

“It is like I'm relying on a bridge made of paper to keep me from falling. It's so unpredictable and I can't trust my own body"

"Normal people joints are help together with super glue while mine are help together with chewed up bubblegum"

For myself when I final had my diagnosis I felt like for the first time in my life I understood myself.  I had lived my whole life like a animal born in captivity. The cage I was born into was my normal.  My whole life I never knew I was living in a cage. I would see normal healthy people live and think man, I am just dumb, lazy, not good enough. My inner dialog was and can still be pretty ugly. The sad fact is I was spending all my time trying to get out of a cage I was born to live in. Now please don’t flood my comment section about how God made me to be healthy and how I have to walk in health. I do believe that all sickness is a result of mankind’s sin. I do believe in a moment God could heal my body but I also know that before I was knit in my Mother’s womb God knew me by name. We are all born into a body created by God. Each one with its own flaws, hiccup’s and defects of its own kind. I know healing is mine and it will either reach me here on earth or in Heaven.  It would be great if it was now but if not, I will live my life from my cage with joy. One day I will have a whole body without sickness. Free from the cage that binds me on earth. One of the greatest lessons chronic illness has taught me is that Joy can be found anywhere at any time. A couple of years ago I was fighting with God, full of anger at the cage He built for me. The Lord gently told me to ‘Bloom where he planted me’. As a Christian and born into a body that is defective, it makes you ask God ‘why he built you a broken body? “I begin to see that in my cage there is still fruit that can grow , still broken vessels to be filled with oil. God loves cracked pots and nothing cracks more than a body that is built so your joints pop out at a smallest movement. I begin to fight less and bloom more. It is still a struggle sometimes moment by moment. But this is where I am planted and God wants to bring fruit from my cage.  

Can you bloom in all your mighty majestic honor of rainbow from the cage built for you?

Jeremiah 17:8 English Standard Version (ESV

⁸ He is like a tree planted by water,

    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”