Pulling your weight

One of the biggest struggles I have emotional is not feeling like I am pulling my weight in the family.

The term "pull your weight” refers to you doing your fair share of work that a group of people is doing together: If the person doesn't start pulling his weight, he'll lose his job.

       My husband has to take on all the responsibilities of earning our family's income. The weight of that for him is not missed in my eyes. I often worry about his health and wellness because I know what a life change that was when I stopped working 9 years ago. I carry the guilt of having to stop working all the time. I struggle to keep up with house work. Our house often looks like a unfinished game of  Jumanji is ongoing. Dirty dishes can be found in my sink on any day of the week. My older children have been doing the laundry for years. I try so hard but most days I can't pull my own weight as a wife and mother. I can not handle my fair share of " my work." I hate having to ask my children to lift something ,open something, carry something. I hate asking them to do my job. Being chronically ill affects everyone in the family. It took me a long time to see that. After all I am the one hurting, it is happening to my body not theirs! How can they be frustrated? It's not happening to them. This is a struggle I think we all can relate to. 
      
     A few years ago a friend asked do something for me.  I can not even recall now what it was but when I told her no she did not need to it she said  "don't rob me of my blessing! It is a blessing to bless you. Don't rob me of that blessing." I was not trying to rob her of anything. I just wanted to pull my own weight. But the truth was I was going to rob her of the blessing of serving me. She wanted to carry some of my weight and that was not a burned to her. It was a blessing. But I had to let go of the weights I was struggling to pull. 

     I started to understand that those who help me pull my  weight were blessed by it. And yes even though the frustration of me being chronically ill bubbled up in all of us from time to time. Not because they view me as being lazy but rather that the weight they help me carry is heavy.  They have their own weights to carry. Think of it this way, each family member is given weights at each birthday. The older you get the more weight you carry. So the children in a family carry less weight than the parents. The scales will tip at some point in life. For most normal people that happens sometime in your 70s. When your children start to help you carry your weight. Or if one of parents gets sick the family and friends will help carry the load. For instance when a Mother gives birth the Father may help with household courses for a time. Until such time the Mother can start pulling her weight again at home. For a chronically ill person that shift happens much early and sadly most often they are never able to take back their weights full time. It is easy for people outside of my family to not understand how our household works. I heard for years when will you go back to work? What were they asking? When will you start to pull your own weight? I have even had someone say " don't you want to take some of the pressure off your husband?" Of course I do! But the truth is yes there is a measure of weight that it takes to manage a family and household. But the needs of the family determine how the weight is carried. I am so glad that I have not robbed my family the blessing of helping me carry my weight. It is a blessing to all of us.
      All my kids own how to cook food for themselves and others. The two older ones can do any household course that needs to be done. The youngest is learning new skills each day. We are still working on the washer and dryer. For now his older siblings carry that weight most of the time. Those are all skills they had to learn to help me carry the weight of running the household. My husband is the hardest working man I know. Because of his hard work to provide for our family my children have a strong work ethic. They show up early and will stay late to make sure the job is done right. They can come together to take on any job as team. The lie that each of us have weights that we alone must carry with no help is one of the biggest lie the devil has ever sold us. Jesus whole ministry was to help carry the weight of others. He tells us in Matt 11:28
" Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

                          Jesus was the model for helping carry the weight of others. 

Jesus told his followers to  Sell your possessions, and give to the needy.
Luke 12:33a

     Now don't get me wrong it is easy  to go down the lazy road  when others start to carry your load. It is easy use our sickness as a excuse but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about when others help you with your load because they love you and see your struggle. Their goal is to help you live, help you not struggle so much, to have time to heal and recover.
 Jesus is the only one who took the weight and kept it. 

Isaiah 53:4 Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted

     As Christians it is our job to be the model of Jesus to others. To help carry their load when they can not. I am so thankful I have so many to pick up my weights when they are to heavy to bare.  But I have to be willing to give up the load when it gets to heavy. The same is true in my relationship with Jesus. I have to be willing to give up my griefs and sorrows. I have to give up the sin I struggle with. I mange pain for a living it is a easy thing for me to say I can handle this struggle, I got this, I have the tools to help me. But most days in the physical I can't mange things well enough to pull my own weight. I mange them enough to get by with the help of others. The greatest tool I have in my pain management tool box is people who love me and support me.  The greatest tool I have in life is that Jesus took my load. I no longer have to bare the punishment for my sin. Don't rob others of the blessing of helping you carry your load. Don't be robbed on the blessing of being able to lighten the load of someone. And don't miss out of the biggest blessing of all. Allowing Jesus to take the load you bare from grief and sorrow from death and sin. And most of all don't believe the lie that says we can't help each other carry the weight we bare in life. Take time today to say thank you to those who help you carry your load. Try and do something today on this Giving Tue to help lighten the load of something struggling. A cup of hot tea after a long day out in the cold bitter world can be a spirit lifter for sure. Prayer is one of the most effective way to lighten the load someone is baring. How can you help someone pull their weights today? Thank you to all those to help me pull my weight. I love you all and have you always in my prayers. 

Giving thanks even when it hurts

Giving thanks to a place of consent pain is one of the hardest things to do. Nobody feels like saying Thank you for anything when you hurt every moment of every day. No one can cast blame on me if I don't feel like saying thank you God for this life you gave me. But God takes giving thanks seriously. Over and over again in the Bible, we see the words  "Give Thanks" Psalms 100:4 is just one of the many places we are commanded to give thanks. 

Psalm 100:4(ESV) Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name!

   The apostle Paul knew more than his share of sorrow, his life was full of pain. But yet time and time again Paul counseled the believers in Thessalonica to do just that:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

   I believe not only did Paul understood the spiritual benefit of giving thanks when you're hurting. He had benefited the fruit from giving thanks from a place of Paul. When you give thanks when you are hurting no matter if it is physical or emotional pain, it takes your focus off yourself and puts it on, God.  

But how, in the middle of our pain, can we possibly give thanks?

Paul was well aware of what he could and couldn't do. He knew his missionary work was far beyond his natural strength, so he became dependent on the power of the Holy Spirit at work in him. He kept the lines open between him and the Holy Spirit to work in his heart and mind. It is only when we stop struggling and surrender to God can we allow the Holy Spirit to work in and through us. Then we become a pipeline for the Spirit's power to do impossible things, like give thanks even when we're hurting. I believing giving Thanks is one of the things that open up that power pipeline. 

 This thanksgiving you may be having a hard time seeing anything to be thankful for. Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time to remember and be grateful. Maybe looking back on this year you can't see many things you are grateful for or maybe they are too painful to remember. When my heart becomes ungrateful I always start naming off simple joys. My family, my friends, my heated blanket to warm my sore joints, My favorite worship album, my favorite movie. But most of all Jesus. Even in my pain, He is there he will never leave me or forsake me.  Your circumstances may be miserable, and you're desperately praying they will change.  God hears you he may allow your situation to continue, but know this: God is in control, not your circumstances. And he is right there with you. That is something to be very thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving friends

    The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Ps 34:18

They don't get it

They don’t get it, they don’t understand, they can’t see me and where I am. 

The old saying “ You should walk a mile in my shoes “seems to ring so true. 

They don’t get it, they don’t understand, they can’t see me and where I am. 

Where I am and where I want to be is a content tug of war within me. 

My heart lies and tells my body you can be where they are, just try harder and you will see. But the truth lives inside my bones it cracks and pops and moves to hard. With every step I take trying to desperately  trying to revive life into the old me. 

It is a fruitless effort she is gone, no longer alive. 

The whole and healthy that once was is in the grave dead and gone. 

All that is left is the painful reminder that who I was and how that will never be. 

They don’t get it, they just don’t understand, they can’t see me and where I wish I could be. Longing to be Outside with friends not drawn within, where shadows whispers of no mores and never again. They don’t get it, they don’t understand, they can’t see me and where I am. I draw within settled into my grief, the old me is dead and gone only the shell of pain now lives in me. The inside of me wanting to run and jump work and care for those I love. The outside of me in bed unable to move in total dependents of others. I wish they could see the real me the one that lives within. The real me not my pain or my symptoms not my needs or what We wish to be. But the one who wants to feel loved and wanted. Don't tell me what I can do or not do I know that truth all to well.

 Tell me you love me enough to include me where I am. I wish they would be like the only one who understands, One who see's me and where I am. He draws near to me when no one else can reach within. I draw near to him knowing he understands. He gets it, He understands, He can see me and where I am. I am so thankful he comes to me just as I am. 

Psalm 139 English Standard Version (ESV)

Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

139 

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

2 

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

    you discern my thoughts from afar.

3 

You search out my path and my lying down

    and are acquainted with all my ways.

4 

Even before a word is on my tongue,

    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

5 

You hem me in, behind and before,

    and lay your hand upon me.

6 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

    it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 

Where shall I go from your Spirit?

    Or where shall I flee from your presence?

8 

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

9 

If I take the wings of the morning

    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10 

even there your hand shall lead me,

    and your right hand shall hold me.

11 

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

    and the light about me be night,”

12 

even the darkness is not dark to you;

    the night is bright as the day,

    for darkness is as light with you.

13 

For you formed my inward parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

14 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]

Wonderful are your works;

    my soul knows it very well.

15 

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

16 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

    the days that were formed for me,

    when as yet there was none of them.

17 

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

18 

If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

    I awake, and I am still with you.

19 

Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!

    O men of blood, depart from me!

20 

They speak against you with malicious intent;

    your enemies take your name in vain.[b]

21 

Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?

    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?

22 

I hate them with complete hatred;

    I count them my enemies.

23 

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

    Try me and know my thoughts![c]

24 

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting![d]

The kiss of Betrayal

I often say this," My body is a real jerk!" ( OK truth sometimes I use a more colorful term) but you get the idea. I feel like it betrays me all the time. One moment I am out living life with friends the next I am in bed for a few days in recovery mode. And I am not talking about the kind of recovery you need in collage after a night out with the gang. Not because of to much fried food or drinks and dancing. But because you went to dinner with friends than maybe hit a few stores in the mall. You even used the wheelchair at the store when it was available. This is what I am dealing with today recovery mode because my body is a jerk and has betrayed me. We spent a wonderful weekend with friends in Maine this past weekend. We went out to eat, did a bit of shopping. Sat outside by the campfire and chatted, it was wonderful. I held my friends sweet baby boy and cuddled him close to my chest. All the while my shoulders betrayed me, my back betrayed me. My knees betrayed me. I kept slipping inside to take more pain medication. To just rest for a moment. But deep down inside I wanted to just live with no worry of my body back stabbing me for just living life. I watched all my friends played this popular yard game called Corn-hole. I just wanted to try it out for a whirl so I threw a bean bag and as I tossed it my shoulder rolled into a hard sub-flex. I said Nope my shoulder hates that. You see when you live with a body that betrays you, everything you do is dictated by your body. My heart wanted to play the game with my friends but my shoulder quickly reminded me Hey remember me the jerk you call your body? I won't let you do this! I was 34 when my body started to betray me. 9 years later I still get upset and shocked when there are things my body simply won't let me do. I think the biggest struggle I have is that I forget my body is not the same as the rest of my friends and family. In my mind I just think that game looks so fun. I want to play, engage in the fun and fellowship going on in my friends driveway. But to do, that I suffer the cost of pain and injury to my body. Betray is something we all can relate to. It is a deep hurt by someone you thought had your back. Even Jesus understands what it feels like to be betrayed by a friend. In Luke 22 we read about how Jesus was betrayed by Judas. This was a bitter betrayal, imagine they had just had dinner together. They had shared Passover dinner recalling all God had done for them. Just hours before Jesus arrest Judas had sat with Jesus as a friend even a student learning and growing. And just like that their relationship was broken. Betrayal is something not easy to get over. Jesus understood that this was part of the Fathers plan. Betrayal a bitter kiss from a friend. I relate to this because in a moment my body betrays me. I can be sitting enjoying dinner with friends and the next I have to lay down because my blood pressure drops to fast. Betray is not something you just get over. The phrase forgive and forget is easy on the lips but rough on the heart. Its stings last like a paper cut with lemon juice in it. I do find comfort that Jesus understands my heart. He knows the sting of betray. But my heart can not always lay down its life with the wants and needs of my heart. More often my heart rises up in anger when I feel betrayed. How did Jesus press his lips to Judas cheek in the garden? How did forgiveness come so easy to him? His life was not his own and he had come to peace with that.  Just moments before he said to his Father not your will but mine. I struggle with that, I want my will, my way. I want my body to work the way I want it to. But it is in control much like the Fathers will for Jesus. Being betrayed by your body means losing control of what you want. I find comfort that even Jesus wrestled with this truth. He plead with his Father to find a different way.  Matthew 26: 39 says   And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will. 
I find myself saying the same prayer almost daily. Lord if it is your will heal me. let this cup pass from me. But God if you can gain glory from my life I will kiss the betrayal of my body on the cheek. Maybe not with as much as Grace as Jesus but with the same heart. One that only wants your will for my life.