Up from the Ashes

The phrase rises like a phoenix from the ashes is based on a story that goes back thousands of years. But what if life just keeps heaping ashes on your head? How do you rise from a life filled with ashes? In Biblical times, mourners would cover themselves in ashes as a symbol of their grief. The term "ashes" is often used to signify worthlessness, insignificance. Being chronically ill can leave you feeling just like that, a worthless insignificant person. Caught in an endless cycle of treading water in the bottomless pit of sickness and symptoms. side effects of medications and treatments and just one more test. It can often feel like you are trying to, just get enough air into your lungs, to keep struggling, to get the next breath. Terms like tomorrow is another days,it will get better cut like a knife against a heart that is in mourning. Grief is a subject many of those dealing with a diagnosis live with. I find my mind often drifts to what was and what-ifs. Which all comes crashing down on me like a dump-truck full of gravel. I remember the life I had before. Before the struggle to breathe, the struggle to move, the struggle to relax. The struggle to not feel worthless insignificant ever moment of every day. Grief is just an expression of love. I love who I use to be. Before I had to worry if my shoulder was going to roll out when I pick up my beautiful niece, or if my back was going to lock up from walking with the fussy nephew in church. All the pressure makes me want to sit on the floor and cover myself in ashes. When I am alone in the middle of my burned up, used-up life. When I find myself alone, covered in the ashes of life, there is one thing that will always lift my spirit out of unbelief and despair. Praise and worship as loud as I can, drowning out any other thought or sound. I sing if I am able, other times I just sit in the dark with him. Let the sounds of his heart penetrate into the darkness within me. It is only the presence of Jesus that can dust off the ashes that have engulfed me. At that moment he is the air I breathe, the sun that warms my face, the spark that starts a fire within. The song Raise a hallelujah by Bethel worship is my current favorite for lifting my heart from the dust. Songwriters: Jonathan David Helser / Melissa Helser / Molly Skaggs / Jake Stevens lyrics spoke so strongly to me this morning in the shower I stood in worship interceding for many loved ones who are in a dust storm right now. Sickness of all kinds, broken marriages, addiction. The more I sang these words I realized the key to rising from the ashes is not a miracle cure. It is living life free of grief. But rather our response. Laying down in a pile of ashes is a part of the human life experience. Feeling sad or angry or even like giving up is only human. It does not always mean you have lost hope. Sometimes it just means you need someone to help you rise from the ashes. I am so thankful for a God who cares for me. Who will lift me into his arms even when I am covered in ashes? Picture him now leaning into your ear Sing a little louder, Sing a little louder and you respond 

I'm gonna sing, in the middle of the storm

Louder and louder, you're gonna hear my praises roar

Up from the ashes, hope will arise

Death is defeated, the King is alive!

https://youtu.be/G2XtRuPfaAU

Songwriters: Jonathan David Helser / Melissa Helser / Molly Skaggs / Jake Stevens

Raise a Hallelujah lyrics © Bethel Music Publishing

Better

This word better has been rolling around in my mind since hearing a young man speak about getting better from a long battle with the terrible disease Lyme. I am so happy for him and his health journey to be better. I have friends fighting cancer aright now and I am praying for and believing for Healinfg for them today. I believe in the power of Jesus to heal the sick. But many times Jesus does not heal for whatever reason unknown to us why. I  begin to think about the this idea of " being better". For many chronically ill people the term better is a pipe dream. A thing we long for, chase after no matter the cost. We hunt down every snake oil that might bring us the allusive big foot creature of chronically ill people "The Better". It hides in the woods of our pain. Lurking where only the few can find. Terms like genetic defect or terminally ill, incurable scare away "The Better". This causes many of us give up the hunt. We just are left to wander in the forest of symptoms. Over turning every rock and stick hoping the Dr was wrong. Hoping seeking praying but never finding " The Better". As if the defeat of failing on the hunt for better is not painful enough, The well people strike you down with their kind words and wishful thinking, " I hope you feel better". Their good intentions can not see that all we do is pray for it , beg God for it. Every birthday wish is for it. More than anything we hope that somewhere in the dark woods of our illness we find the Better. Where are you better? And why can't I find you? What did I do to make you hate me so much? What bait should I use to catch you? What time of day is best to hunt? How did they get lucky and I am cursed? The cycle of chronic illness pain is never ended. There is no better for most chronically ill. It is a term for the well people. For myself my better is like trying to put out a million wild fires in my body. Every-time I get one under control or Better a new one pops up. Just as you have the flames calmed down a new fire will pop up somewhere else. Nothing is more discouraging than feeling like you at last have things under control in your body than BAM!  Something new flares up. Depression is a real struggle when you live in a endless cycle of being unwell, not yet better than before. I love Jesus and I trust and believe that some day the better will be presence in my body. I long for that day, plead
with him in the middle of the night for that day. I love my family and friends I love many parts of my life. But it is easy to get lost wandering in the woods of my mind for the better. The time when Ehlers Danlos did not affected my life like it does now. Even now I am ashamed at the hours I have spent thinking about how I can get better. Which is silly because I have a incurable genetic syndrome. But the hunt for Better can consume me. The problem with that is I miss out on life when all my effort is focused on getting better. So how do you live when being better is not part of your story? How do you feel better without being better? The apostle Paul struggle with some sort of torn in the flesh for years. He asked the Lord many times to take it. He wrote these words that have helped me to learn to be better when I don't feel better.

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.
Philippians 4:11 ESV
https://bible.com/bible/59/php.4.11.ESV

Paul understood that in order to feel better in the flesh we must first tame the heart. I struggle often in my mind with the fact that my life is not what I want it to be. That the dreams I once had are now dead because of Ehlers danlos. When you rock a baby to sleep it will often struggle against you until it becomes content with the idea of sleeping. This is how I feel about the struggle to be content in the life God has painted for me. I am always wishing things were different, better. But this was true for Paul's life and it is true for us. Better is not always best. Paul spent most of his life running for his life from those who wanted to kill him. His life  Circumstances in occupation were not ideal. He was stoned to death many times, boiled in oil, thrown in jail always on the run from someone who was trying to kill him. It was rough for him. But Paul learned to be content in and through it all. Even when things could have been better, Paul trusted Gods plan. For myself Paul is one of the most relatable apostle. He spent a lot of time in jail. Being chronically ill is often feeling trapped inside your body. In a life sentence of pain. But for Paul jail was not a prison to hold him in but a mission field for him to win. Could things have been phyical better for Paul? Sure but spiritual Paul was so much better off. Better is a concept we humans have created based on our own ideas, wants and needs. But Gods ways are not our own ways. His concept of better compared to ours is vastly different. It is not based off our human thinking. It is not confined to the concepts of just this life. Humans idea of better is based off this human experience. Gods concept of Better is based off eternity. The two can not be compared. I am so thankful that when things here on earth could be better I have a hope that things one day, and forever more will be better. Praying you too understand what it really means to be better.

His strength is perfect

Today I received some crushing news from a friend. I was lost for words which for those of you who know me understand that is not a easy task. I am fighting to write this through my tears. Life is just not fair. My dear sweet friend Lisa is facing battles no one should face. Her little son bubs who is only a wee 4 years old is battling brain cancer. And as if that is not enough this week Lisa found out she herself is battling breast cancer. When I read her post on Facebook I said how can they go on? Some battles are to hard to great to overcome. They must feel like a mountain is on top of them? How can she have a once of strength left her in bones? As I sat in silence and prayed the gentle Holy Spirit reminded me of this song by Steven Curtis Chapman.  His strength is Perfect. It is a song that the Lord has brought to me time and time again when I just felt like I could not go on.. 
The lyrics are taken from

 2 Corinthians 12:9 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

My favorite part of the song is these words

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone
He'll carry us when we can't carry on
Raised in His power, the weak become strong
His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect

Lisa starts her treatment Christmas eve. If you like Lisa and her Husband Matt and this son Bubs are facing a battle that seems like you have no strength to fight remember his strength is made perfect in our weakness. I know because of Jesus and his work on the cross  you can not be defeated! His grace is sufficient and by his power  you can be raised up! May the Power of Christ can rest of you! Please pray for Bubs, Please pray for Lisa and Matt. If you would like to read more about their story or can help them during in this season please check out their gofundme page by following this 

link. https://www.gofundme.com/standwithlilman?member=932764&fbclid=IwAR148zjT-DURN8cvbsXe_c2Bm3wGT8lRjqqtTsRLdaRsMF9miDptCucZw2E

I do not own the rights to any of the Lyrics or music. 

https://youtu.be/QGC9KT918Kk

Unsolicited advice

   If you are a human being living on planet earth you have experience the phenomenon of unsolicited advice. From your Mother or your neighbor. Maybe a troll on social media. They scream you need to do this or you need to stop doing that. It worked for my aunts cousins mother. You should listen to me not your Dr.
 
    Most healthy people I know don't really understand the loops I have had to hop threw to get a handle on my body. It is a every day juggle. I try so hard not to react harshly to your unsolicited advice. But some days I just can't help it. Today is one of those days. This week the unsolicited advice given to me was just judgement based off someone else option or their experience.

     Social media has become the king of unsolicited advice. Everybody has some and everybody shares it with no filter. It is easy to pass judgment on someone life when you are not living it. History always tells a story but the people who live the story are the only ones who know all the intimate details. The rest of us have to use our imagination or as my friend Jim Loomer says we have to use our imaginetor. Imagination is a made up place where anything can happen. Facts don't matter only what I dream up in my brain.  Mr Roger's took  us  there as a child. All fairy tales and cotton candy clouds.  Life and its harsh reality is not always filled with fairy tales and cotton candy but more like pain and heartache. So please keep this in mind when giving unsolicited advice to someone who is chronically ill. If we made the decision to stop working, we gave it a lot of thought.  If we made the decision to stop treatment, we gave it a lot of thought. If we made the decision to try a new form of treatment we researched it. While the healthy world has normal jobs to spend hours on a chronically ill persons only job is self care. It never ends 24 hours 7 days a week 365 days a year. We spend hours reading and talking to others about it. We have sought out expert advice. We have gathered every piece of medical information available to read over and over again. But most of all we have our experience. We live with our pain and symptoms us all the time. You can not know what it is like to live inside my body.  If we find a glimmer of hope in some new snake oil someone is selling will look into it. But as they say the proof is in the pudding. My experience is that I have keep a open mind when it comes to my health. If being chronically ill has taught me one thing as a Christian it is not to cast judgment on others. I can only look from the outside of their story. Maybe today taking a shower was a huge accomplishment for someone. Maybe that person you see pop a pill out at dinner is not a drug addict but rather just trying to enjoy a less painful dinner out with friends. Maybe that Mom you see sitting in her car  appearing to be smoking is really just taking hit off her medical marijuana vape so she can bare the pain of going food shopping for her family. Maybe that friends who house is a wreak this week is dealing with boned-crushing pain this week due to the onset of winter. Maybe that family who is eating leftovers is giving Mom the night off because she just can not stand long enough to cook tonight. Your unsolicited advice and judgement hurts the person who is just trying to live. It causes them to feel less of a person which is why they hide how they live. For fear of public back lash they hide the truth of how they have to live. Before you give unsolicited advice to anyone remember me. Because this has been my experiences. All of them. I am just a girl chronically ill girl who loves Jesus and wants to live to serve him. My tool box for pain may not look like you think it should but its OK because it is mine not yours.

Pulling your weight

One of the biggest struggles I have emotional is not feeling like I am pulling my weight in the family.

The term "pull your weight” refers to you doing your fair share of work that a group of people is doing together: If the person doesn't start pulling his weight, he'll lose his job.

       My husband has to take on all the responsibilities of earning our family's income. The weight of that for him is not missed in my eyes. I often worry about his health and wellness because I know what a life change that was when I stopped working 9 years ago. I carry the guilt of having to stop working all the time. I struggle to keep up with house work. Our house often looks like a unfinished game of  Jumanji is ongoing. Dirty dishes can be found in my sink on any day of the week. My older children have been doing the laundry for years. I try so hard but most days I can't pull my own weight as a wife and mother. I can not handle my fair share of " my work." I hate having to ask my children to lift something ,open something, carry something. I hate asking them to do my job. Being chronically ill affects everyone in the family. It took me a long time to see that. After all I am the one hurting, it is happening to my body not theirs! How can they be frustrated? It's not happening to them. This is a struggle I think we all can relate to. 
      
     A few years ago a friend asked do something for me.  I can not even recall now what it was but when I told her no she did not need to it she said  "don't rob me of my blessing! It is a blessing to bless you. Don't rob me of that blessing." I was not trying to rob her of anything. I just wanted to pull my own weight. But the truth was I was going to rob her of the blessing of serving me. She wanted to carry some of my weight and that was not a burned to her. It was a blessing. But I had to let go of the weights I was struggling to pull. 

     I started to understand that those who help me pull my  weight were blessed by it. And yes even though the frustration of me being chronically ill bubbled up in all of us from time to time. Not because they view me as being lazy but rather that the weight they help me carry is heavy.  They have their own weights to carry. Think of it this way, each family member is given weights at each birthday. The older you get the more weight you carry. So the children in a family carry less weight than the parents. The scales will tip at some point in life. For most normal people that happens sometime in your 70s. When your children start to help you carry your weight. Or if one of parents gets sick the family and friends will help carry the load. For instance when a Mother gives birth the Father may help with household courses for a time. Until such time the Mother can start pulling her weight again at home. For a chronically ill person that shift happens much early and sadly most often they are never able to take back their weights full time. It is easy for people outside of my family to not understand how our household works. I heard for years when will you go back to work? What were they asking? When will you start to pull your own weight? I have even had someone say " don't you want to take some of the pressure off your husband?" Of course I do! But the truth is yes there is a measure of weight that it takes to manage a family and household. But the needs of the family determine how the weight is carried. I am so glad that I have not robbed my family the blessing of helping me carry my weight. It is a blessing to all of us.
      All my kids own how to cook food for themselves and others. The two older ones can do any household course that needs to be done. The youngest is learning new skills each day. We are still working on the washer and dryer. For now his older siblings carry that weight most of the time. Those are all skills they had to learn to help me carry the weight of running the household. My husband is the hardest working man I know. Because of his hard work to provide for our family my children have a strong work ethic. They show up early and will stay late to make sure the job is done right. They can come together to take on any job as team. The lie that each of us have weights that we alone must carry with no help is one of the biggest lie the devil has ever sold us. Jesus whole ministry was to help carry the weight of others. He tells us in Matt 11:28
" Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

                          Jesus was the model for helping carry the weight of others. 

Jesus told his followers to  Sell your possessions, and give to the needy.
Luke 12:33a

     Now don't get me wrong it is easy  to go down the lazy road  when others start to carry your load. It is easy use our sickness as a excuse but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about when others help you with your load because they love you and see your struggle. Their goal is to help you live, help you not struggle so much, to have time to heal and recover.
 Jesus is the only one who took the weight and kept it. 

Isaiah 53:4 Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted

     As Christians it is our job to be the model of Jesus to others. To help carry their load when they can not. I am so thankful I have so many to pick up my weights when they are to heavy to bare.  But I have to be willing to give up the load when it gets to heavy. The same is true in my relationship with Jesus. I have to be willing to give up my griefs and sorrows. I have to give up the sin I struggle with. I mange pain for a living it is a easy thing for me to say I can handle this struggle, I got this, I have the tools to help me. But most days in the physical I can't mange things well enough to pull my own weight. I mange them enough to get by with the help of others. The greatest tool I have in my pain management tool box is people who love me and support me.  The greatest tool I have in life is that Jesus took my load. I no longer have to bare the punishment for my sin. Don't rob others of the blessing of helping you carry your load. Don't be robbed on the blessing of being able to lighten the load of someone. And don't miss out of the biggest blessing of all. Allowing Jesus to take the load you bare from grief and sorrow from death and sin. And most of all don't believe the lie that says we can't help each other carry the weight we bare in life. Take time today to say thank you to those who help you carry your load. Try and do something today on this Giving Tue to help lighten the load of something struggling. A cup of hot tea after a long day out in the cold bitter world can be a spirit lifter for sure. Prayer is one of the most effective way to lighten the load someone is baring. How can you help someone pull their weights today? Thank you to all those to help me pull my weight. I love you all and have you always in my prayers. 

Giving thanks even when it hurts

Giving thanks to a place of consent pain is one of the hardest things to do. Nobody feels like saying Thank you for anything when you hurt every moment of every day. No one can cast blame on me if I don't feel like saying thank you God for this life you gave me. But God takes giving thanks seriously. Over and over again in the Bible, we see the words  "Give Thanks" Psalms 100:4 is just one of the many places we are commanded to give thanks. 

Psalm 100:4(ESV) Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name!

   The apostle Paul knew more than his share of sorrow, his life was full of pain. But yet time and time again Paul counseled the believers in Thessalonica to do just that:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

   I believe not only did Paul understood the spiritual benefit of giving thanks when you're hurting. He had benefited the fruit from giving thanks from a place of Paul. When you give thanks when you are hurting no matter if it is physical or emotional pain, it takes your focus off yourself and puts it on, God.  

But how, in the middle of our pain, can we possibly give thanks?

Paul was well aware of what he could and couldn't do. He knew his missionary work was far beyond his natural strength, so he became dependent on the power of the Holy Spirit at work in him. He kept the lines open between him and the Holy Spirit to work in his heart and mind. It is only when we stop struggling and surrender to God can we allow the Holy Spirit to work in and through us. Then we become a pipeline for the Spirit's power to do impossible things, like give thanks even when we're hurting. I believing giving Thanks is one of the things that open up that power pipeline. 

 This thanksgiving you may be having a hard time seeing anything to be thankful for. Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time to remember and be grateful. Maybe looking back on this year you can't see many things you are grateful for or maybe they are too painful to remember. When my heart becomes ungrateful I always start naming off simple joys. My family, my friends, my heated blanket to warm my sore joints, My favorite worship album, my favorite movie. But most of all Jesus. Even in my pain, He is there he will never leave me or forsake me.  Your circumstances may be miserable, and you're desperately praying they will change.  God hears you he may allow your situation to continue, but know this: God is in control, not your circumstances. And he is right there with you. That is something to be very thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving friends

    The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Ps 34:18

They don't get it

They don’t get it, they don’t understand, they can’t see me and where I am. 

The old saying “ You should walk a mile in my shoes “seems to ring so true. 

They don’t get it, they don’t understand, they can’t see me and where I am. 

Where I am and where I want to be is a content tug of war within me. 

My heart lies and tells my body you can be where they are, just try harder and you will see. But the truth lives inside my bones it cracks and pops and moves to hard. With every step I take trying to desperately  trying to revive life into the old me. 

It is a fruitless effort she is gone, no longer alive. 

The whole and healthy that once was is in the grave dead and gone. 

All that is left is the painful reminder that who I was and how that will never be. 

They don’t get it, they just don’t understand, they can’t see me and where I wish I could be. Longing to be Outside with friends not drawn within, where shadows whispers of no mores and never again. They don’t get it, they don’t understand, they can’t see me and where I am. I draw within settled into my grief, the old me is dead and gone only the shell of pain now lives in me. The inside of me wanting to run and jump work and care for those I love. The outside of me in bed unable to move in total dependents of others. I wish they could see the real me the one that lives within. The real me not my pain or my symptoms not my needs or what We wish to be. But the one who wants to feel loved and wanted. Don't tell me what I can do or not do I know that truth all to well.

 Tell me you love me enough to include me where I am. I wish they would be like the only one who understands, One who see's me and where I am. He draws near to me when no one else can reach within. I draw near to him knowing he understands. He gets it, He understands, He can see me and where I am. I am so thankful he comes to me just as I am. 

Psalm 139 English Standard Version (ESV)

Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

139 

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

2 

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

    you discern my thoughts from afar.

3 

You search out my path and my lying down

    and are acquainted with all my ways.

4 

Even before a word is on my tongue,

    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

5 

You hem me in, behind and before,

    and lay your hand upon me.

6 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

    it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 

Where shall I go from your Spirit?

    Or where shall I flee from your presence?

8 

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

9 

If I take the wings of the morning

    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10 

even there your hand shall lead me,

    and your right hand shall hold me.

11 

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

    and the light about me be night,”

12 

even the darkness is not dark to you;

    the night is bright as the day,

    for darkness is as light with you.

13 

For you formed my inward parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

14 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]

Wonderful are your works;

    my soul knows it very well.

15 

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

16 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

    the days that were formed for me,

    when as yet there was none of them.

17 

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

18 

If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

    I awake, and I am still with you.

19 

Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!

    O men of blood, depart from me!

20 

They speak against you with malicious intent;

    your enemies take your name in vain.[b]

21 

Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?

    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?

22 

I hate them with complete hatred;

    I count them my enemies.

23 

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

    Try me and know my thoughts![c]

24 

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

    and lead me in the way everlasting![d]

The kiss of Betrayal

I often say this," My body is a real jerk!" ( OK truth sometimes I use a more colorful term) but you get the idea. I feel like it betrays me all the time. One moment I am out living life with friends the next I am in bed for a few days in recovery mode. And I am not talking about the kind of recovery you need in collage after a night out with the gang. Not because of to much fried food or drinks and dancing. But because you went to dinner with friends than maybe hit a few stores in the mall. You even used the wheelchair at the store when it was available. This is what I am dealing with today recovery mode because my body is a jerk and has betrayed me. We spent a wonderful weekend with friends in Maine this past weekend. We went out to eat, did a bit of shopping. Sat outside by the campfire and chatted, it was wonderful. I held my friends sweet baby boy and cuddled him close to my chest. All the while my shoulders betrayed me, my back betrayed me. My knees betrayed me. I kept slipping inside to take more pain medication. To just rest for a moment. But deep down inside I wanted to just live with no worry of my body back stabbing me for just living life. I watched all my friends played this popular yard game called Corn-hole. I just wanted to try it out for a whirl so I threw a bean bag and as I tossed it my shoulder rolled into a hard sub-flex. I said Nope my shoulder hates that. You see when you live with a body that betrays you, everything you do is dictated by your body. My heart wanted to play the game with my friends but my shoulder quickly reminded me Hey remember me the jerk you call your body? I won't let you do this! I was 34 when my body started to betray me. 9 years later I still get upset and shocked when there are things my body simply won't let me do. I think the biggest struggle I have is that I forget my body is not the same as the rest of my friends and family. In my mind I just think that game looks so fun. I want to play, engage in the fun and fellowship going on in my friends driveway. But to do, that I suffer the cost of pain and injury to my body. Betray is something we all can relate to. It is a deep hurt by someone you thought had your back. Even Jesus understands what it feels like to be betrayed by a friend. In Luke 22 we read about how Jesus was betrayed by Judas. This was a bitter betrayal, imagine they had just had dinner together. They had shared Passover dinner recalling all God had done for them. Just hours before Jesus arrest Judas had sat with Jesus as a friend even a student learning and growing. And just like that their relationship was broken. Betrayal is something not easy to get over. Jesus understood that this was part of the Fathers plan. Betrayal a bitter kiss from a friend. I relate to this because in a moment my body betrays me. I can be sitting enjoying dinner with friends and the next I have to lay down because my blood pressure drops to fast. Betray is not something you just get over. The phrase forgive and forget is easy on the lips but rough on the heart. Its stings last like a paper cut with lemon juice in it. I do find comfort that Jesus understands my heart. He knows the sting of betray. But my heart can not always lay down its life with the wants and needs of my heart. More often my heart rises up in anger when I feel betrayed. How did Jesus press his lips to Judas cheek in the garden? How did forgiveness come so easy to him? His life was not his own and he had come to peace with that.  Just moments before he said to his Father not your will but mine. I struggle with that, I want my will, my way. I want my body to work the way I want it to. But it is in control much like the Fathers will for Jesus. Being betrayed by your body means losing control of what you want. I find comfort that even Jesus wrestled with this truth. He plead with his Father to find a different way.  Matthew 26: 39 says   And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will. 
I find myself saying the same prayer almost daily. Lord if it is your will heal me. let this cup pass from me. But God if you can gain glory from my life I will kiss the betrayal of my body on the cheek. Maybe not with as much as Grace as Jesus but with the same heart. One that only wants your will for my life. 

Faith comes

Romans 10:1717 So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ

When I turn on the faucet in my kitchen I have faith that water will come out of it. But not just any water clear healthy to drink water. I have faith in my water supply but sadly most days I have more faith in my water system them my God. Being chronically ill will test your faith, Dare I say it would test the Popes faith. 

   So how does one find faith? What is faith? It is believing without seeing. Stepping out before you see the ground to hold you. Its praying in thanksgiving over food you don't yet. My Father tells a story of this early collage years. The school was a small faith based bible collage. All the students enters the dining hall for their evening meal only to find there was for food for them to eat. My Father started to count the change in his pocket to see if he could go by a burger. One of the Teachers asked a young man to pray over their evening meal. My Dad stood in disbelief shaking his head. You people are crazy praying for food we don't have any food! Can't you see we have no food! The obedient student took on the task and begin to pray in thanksgiving for Gods provisions for them. I am sure my Father was not alone in thinking these people are nuts! I am sure most were thinking, Lets see if between all of us we can buy a couple of pizzas. Just as the young man  finished Grace a farmer pulled in with a truck load of potatoes to give the collage. My Father learned a important lesson that night. Faith is not something we can built up in a moment of need. But rather a tool we learn by being in relationship with Jesus. My Fathers teacher knew who to call on for help. She knew who to trust. Now that was 45 plus years ago my Father since than has learned the lesson of faith. But like so many he did not know how faith worked. He was blessed with many good teachers who taught him about faith. A lesson him and my Mother have pasted down to us kids. We have lived by faith, most of my childhood was lived by faith. Not knowing where our next meal was coming from or some days where we would be sleeping. How do you learn to live by faith? How can people call for help if they don’t know who to trust? And how can they know who to trust if they haven’t heard of the One who can be trusted?
   The only way you can believe in God is to hear from His word and without a word from God you have no basis for faith.  So much of being chronically ill is trying to stay positive in dark days. We struggle with physical and mental state and just trying to pay bills and feed our families.Without faith I know for myself I would be engulfed into a pit of darkness most days. Every pain clinic I have been a part of use speaks about finding tools for mindfulness meditation interventions to help manage pain and stress in your body. I have a set of tools I use but they don't look anything like what the pain clinic gave me. I intake Gods word, meditate on it. I turn off all the lights  lay flat on my bed turn on worship or a sermon. When depression and hopelessness of Elhers Danlos creep into my mind and body, when the pain is so bad all I can do is lay in bed, I have faith. Not because it rises out of the dust but because I know who to trust. One of the most important lessons I have learned is I can never stop building my faith.  The intake of Gods word is the greatest tool I have in my pain management tool box.  Now I must admit that most days I try everything else before I turn to it.
    Does that mean we should forget modern medications? NOPE! God gave us those tools to use to manage life with. From medications we take to manage the chemicals and balance ion our brains or level out our blood sugar. Don't think for a moment I am saying replace what the Dr has told you to do to live the best healthy life with daily  bible reading.

  Matthew 4:4 says But he answered, “It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’ 

     What was Jesus saying? Bread is good but Bread is not enough! We need the word of God to live healthy life! One thing I can not control is my health. Elhers Danlos controls that. As I write this I have tendinitis in my right arm and now I am pretty sure my left arm as well. I have occupational Therapy in a couple weeks and already had injection to help the inflammation.  I can do things to help manage it but I have no control over the fact that my limbs and joints move to much. That is out of my hands. But one thing I can control is my spiritual health and well-being. My faith is in my grips, I get to control the intake of Gods word in my life. Faith comes when I listen to God. If you are lacking faith today what voice are you listening to?