Hope in Winter

Fall has begun to find its way here to Vermont. I love it. Fall is one of my favorite times of the year here. Leggings and a T shirt will do most days. Yet I can still wear my favorite shoes my crocs with socks if need be. 
     Last night I sat by a camp fire with friends on one of the first cool nights we had, I was noticing how much I Love fall in New England. But not everyone is a fan of fall. A few years ago I stood in my mother in laws yard looking at the first few leafs starting to show signs of color change. My mother in law told me she hates fall. I stood in shock how any one could hate fall in Vermont. People come from all over the world to see fall in New England.
I  questioned her as to why she hated fall? She replied because I know what comes after. Winter ! 
Winter in Vermont is so long and hard! I laughed, I understand but I just try and enjoy a good season while we have it. Stock up the joy of cool fall mornings wrapped in a blanket, a mug in hand filled with hot tea and a bowel of apple pie for breakfast. Who does not like Pie for breakfast?
     Seasons do change and I too like my mother in law understand what comes after fall in Vermont. Shorter days, longer nights, snow that covers the ground like a down filled blanket. Ice sake rinks where driveways once stood. Temps so cold your nose freezes together when you breath in the frozen air.

    Life is full of seasons that change and not just the one that change the colors of the trees, but seasons of life. Seasons are just a frame of time in life. The time passes and then season change. Like now, Fall is just starting but before I know it leggings and a T shirts will be just one of the many lairs I put on before I walk out the door to face the cold dark winter days.

There Is a Time for Everything
Ecclesiastes 3:1-5 

1 There is a time for everything, and everything on earth has its special season. 2 There is a time to be born and a time to die. There is a time to plant and a time to pull up plants. 3 There is a time to kill and a time to heal. There is a time to destroy and a time to build. 4 There is a time to cry and a time to laugh. There is a time to be sad and a time to dance. 5 There is a time to throw away stones and a time to gather them. 

I love verse 5, that is a wonderful picture of fall in Vermont. A time to throw out stuff that will not be helpful and a time to gather before winter sets in.
 We can apply this truth to own spiritual life too. We have season of plenty and times of want. During the fall seasons of our spiritual life we need to throw out the waste in our life. The things in our life that take up space, because winter will come. A time when nothing new is growing. A time when there is nothing in our life that is giving us warmth. Sometimes in the dead of Winter here we will have two or three days where it is not safe to go out of the house. You have to use what you have in the house. Snow is up to the doorways. Most good Vermonters will have a stockpile to take from during those days. A wood pile outside their doorways to fed the wood-stove. Can goods they have put way during the fall harvest. Outside Winter may be having its way but inside the true Vermonters home it has no place. Rather they sit with mug and hand and mouth full of mothers sweet apple pie made from the apple stockpile that was picked during the fall season. We as believer need to stockpile the Word of God at the door way of our heart so that during the long dark spiritual season of winter we have a resources to pull from. It is a common things for people to freeze to death here in New England because they did not have enough fuel to burn. They did not plan ahead for winters dark days. Such a good truth for us believers to hear that we all have to plan ahead for the hard times. As the writer of Ecclesiastes knew life has seasons. We just need to be prepared for the seasons change.
I love fall because I too know what comes after Winter.. I am just thankful God has given us a chance to prepare for winter. Being Chronically ill you have to stock pile during those good days. Remember the warm day light of Autumn during the long days of pain that keeps you in bed for days. The promise the sun will shine again. Like cold winter months in Vermont it may be weeks or even months between a good day. But for those of us that trust in Christ we know that one day there will be no more pain, no more tears, no more long winter nights where the hope for sunshine seems out of reach. We have hope for Spring to come! A new day, A new body not riddled with pain and sickness. But whole and healthy! If it was not for that hope I have trust in I would never make it through the days of winter my physical illness causes.
Are you prepare? What have you put your hope in? Winter is just a season for those have put their hope in Christ! 

Blooming in a Cage

I have always loved going to the zoo. I love seeing all the animals God created. The mighty Elephants blowing its trunk and flapping its ears, the majestic Tigers displaying their stripes. The Lions roar that commands respect and honor. Exotics birds flying with wings spread open wipe in a rainbow of flight. But even with all the beauty within the zoo there is deep sadness.

The truth is, the real the mighty majestic honor of rainbow is never fully on display in the cages of a zoo. That my friend,  is what it is like to live inside the body of someone who is chronically ill person. Inside you feel like you want to strut your goods for the world to see but the reality is you are trapped in a cage that was set by your own body. At least for me that is how it is.

    Up until about 10 years ago I was a pretty healthy person. I built and owned my own businesses from the ground up. I was a very active part of my church community and activities. I went to the park and played with kids, rode bikes even went jogging a few times a week. But when I got pregnant with my third child my body just fell apart. I mean really started to fall apart. For the next four years I would undergo test after test, Dr. after Dr. without knowing why I was sick. 

At first they would say well you just had a baby, you are over tired. Give it some time you will be back to your old self again. But that was not the truth. I had fallen into a trap and could not get out. I tried for 4 years to get out. Eating better, losing weight, only working part time.  Every pill or test they threw at me I tried. But nothing worked I was trapped. I am no animal expert but I have trapped a few ground hogs and raccoons in my time and they will work themselves to death trying to get free from the trap. That was me, trying hard to get out of something that was locked shut, my body. Every year, approximately 44.193 Americans die by suicide. While many suicide-related deaths are linked to mental illness, a new study shows that having a chronic illness can increase suicide risk as well. Don’t worry I am not suicidal but I have and still do at times feel like death will be relief from my body. I often say I can’t wait for Jesus to give me a new body, the one I have is defective

The cage I live in is called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome or (EDS) for short. EDS is a group of connective tissue gene disorders, and symptoms include skin that tears or bruises easily and unstable joints prone to frequent dislocations, among other issues ‘like Gastrointestinal issues, dysautonomia, adrenal problems, “Fatigue , dental problems, loss of sight or hearing,  Insomnia and the list goes on. EDS affects somewhere between 1 in 5,000 people in the United States, Lucky me for being so rare! I asked some of my EDS friends what it is like living in their bodies with EDS. Here are a few of their replies.

“It is like I'm relying on a bridge made of paper to keep me from falling. It's so unpredictable and I can't trust my own body"

"Normal people joints are help together with super glue while mine are help together with chewed up bubblegum"

For myself when I final had my diagnosis I felt like for the first time in my life I understood myself.  I had lived my whole life like a animal born in captivity. The cage I was born into was my normal.  My whole life I never knew I was living in a cage. I would see normal healthy people live and think man, I am just dumb, lazy, not good enough. My inner dialog was and can still be pretty ugly. The sad fact is I was spending all my time trying to get out of a cage I was born to live in. Now please don’t flood my comment section about how God made me to be healthy and how I have to walk in health. I do believe that all sickness is a result of mankind’s sin. I do believe in a moment God could heal my body but I also know that before I was knit in my Mother’s womb God knew me by name. We are all born into a body created by God. Each one with its own flaws, hiccup’s and defects of its own kind. I know healing is mine and it will either reach me here on earth or in Heaven.  It would be great if it was now but if not, I will live my life from my cage with joy. One day I will have a whole body without sickness. Free from the cage that binds me on earth. One of the greatest lessons chronic illness has taught me is that Joy can be found anywhere at any time. A couple of years ago I was fighting with God, full of anger at the cage He built for me. The Lord gently told me to ‘Bloom where he planted me’. As a Christian and born into a body that is defective, it makes you ask God ‘why he built you a broken body? “I begin to see that in my cage there is still fruit that can grow , still broken vessels to be filled with oil. God loves cracked pots and nothing cracks more than a body that is built so your joints pop out at a smallest movement. I begin to fight less and bloom more. It is still a struggle sometimes moment by moment. But this is where I am planted and God wants to bring fruit from my cage.  

Can you bloom in all your mighty majestic honor of rainbow from the cage built for you?

Jeremiah 17:8 English Standard Version (ESV

⁸ He is like a tree planted by water,

    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

A moment of weakness.

     Twice this week I found myself speaking to people about moment of weakness. Which got me thinking, what is the root cause of moments of weakness ? What can we do to try and stop them? Now I am not talking about a snack- accident where you eat a whole pint of ice cream or bag of chips in one sitting. I mean the moral slip ups we all have. Where you find yourself saying I don't know why I did that. That is not who I really am.      So what is a moment of weakness? A short time during which someone makes a bad decision or does something bad that they would not normally do.  The quality or state of lacking strength of will or character. Moments of weakness are what the Devil lays and waits for. Like a Lion laying in the tall grass waiting for the gazelle to pass by unaware.  As it stops to take a rest the Lion jumps in to attack.  But sadly we are often laying in wait for a Brother or Sister to slip up too. Ready to ponce on them.     What is the cause of a Moment of Weakness? I often suffer with muscle weakness and fatigue. Weakness is a lack of physical or muscle strength and the feeling that extra effort is required to move your arms, legs, or other muscles. Sometimes I can move my muscles but it just hurts to much to do. The feeling of fatigue is to exhausting and I just have to rest because of a lack of energy. There are so many factors at play with weakness and fatigue. Overworked, poor sleep, worry, illness or medical treatments or anxiety or depression. The same can be said for those who suffer moral or spiritual weakness.      I strongly believe the God uses the physical man to teach us about the spiritual man. They coexist and one effects the other.  When I suffer from physical stress my spiritual man is effected. Pain and suffering wears on a person. You can see it in their face, how they walk and talk. As the pain leaves, so does the stress and weakness. I believe moments of weakness come when we are weighted down in life.  Has life ever extended your emotions beyond what they can handle?     Self care is something I don't think we talk about often enough. We avoid talking about mental health problems. We laugh and mock the person who heads to the spa to have a day of relaxing. We tell the person who is struggling with money problems to work harder and keep their head up. We would all be better off if we would be open and say I AM FEELING WEAK!  I am struggling. I need help, a hug, someone to listen to be about my weak moments. Most of the time we meet those who are struggling with judgement.     Something I am all to aware of. As a chronically ill person I have seen it all. The judging eyes as I use the wheelchair at Walmart. What I don't need to hear I should work out, eat better. I wanted to hear you say I will be praying for you. Not, I'm sure you can find a job to do, or I'm sure you just need to be positive minded. No ! What I need is for you to support me without judgment. The same is for those who have a  spiritual weak moment or even season. In a Moment of weakness, it does not matter what caused it. It only matters that you need support. There is one who is waiting to devour you. We need to stop trying to devour  each other. Help each others through there moments of weakness . The devil is prowling around waiting for me to rest for a second. We need to love more when we see others struggling. We need to offer a hand of help instead of a pointing finger of accusing.  Am I saying  I should support those living in sin? NO! Not for a moment am I saying support sin but I am saying support and love the sinner. I am not talking about the person who can not see their sin or the areas of weakness they have. That is is a different conversion for a different day. I am talking about supporting those who are saying I am in a weak moment right now. I am burned out spiritual, physical, emotional.  How they got there goes back to the topic of self-care. Something I am still working on as a person who gets muscle weakness when I over do it. I have to care for myself  or weakness and fatigue  sets in and it can take weeks before I get over it. For myself when I am in moments of weakness I am unable to care for myself. I need others to help me. I need someone to come along side me and not remind me how I got here but rather how we can get out of here. Last night I had to have my daughter make me tea and bring it to me because I was to weak to even move.  I just could not do it myself. I needed support. But part of self-care is asking for help. Admitting I am to weak to care for myself. I need to allow others to come along side me and help care for me. I have to take the care and support offered and not try and just do for myself.  If you are weak in area of sin in your life. Ask for help and support in this area. If you see someone who is in a weak moment offer support. Remind them we have all had a weak moment, Need I remind you of the pint of ice cream you snack- accidentally ate? The enemy wants to devour us.  All of us.... and life makes us weak... 

1 Peter 5:8 says Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Be still

Breath,

Breathing in, Breathing out

A Moment

No movement, just feeling

A Heart beat, My heart beat
I stand at the door my hand over my heart, looking out down the road.

Then it finds me. It creeps up from what seems the soles of my feet.
It extends over me like a stream of hot water from a tea kettle. I've never allowed myself to speak it or even breathe these words. But somehow they the exhale out like used up air that's poison. Poison that fills my chest to the brim. It choked me.
My soul spits it out. From my innermost most being it cry’s, Am I alone? Have I gone so far your Grace can't find me?
I stand motionless trying to catch my breath, Regain My composure. Tears run freely down, covering my countenance.

What is that aroma ? It beings to fill the room. Like a sweet perfume it begins to fill my nose. Warm like the Summer wind it carry’s this smell of The Rose of Sharon mixed with the bitterness of frankincense and myrrh. It consumes My Heart washing threw me ,over me, in me.
It appears to be sweet like a Little lamb yet with the Power of a huge Lion it knocks out all doubt and fear and the Shame. OH the Shame it seems to vaporize away into thin air.

A Breath, Breathing in Breathing out. A Moment -No movement just feeling-
A Heart beat My Heart beat. I stand at the door my hand over my heart looking out down the road then it finds me.

You find me.

Child you can never go to far where My Grace can not reach you. My heart beats within your heart. You did not find me I found you. My Grace reached into the poison you were in and pulled you up so you could breath again live again. Never let that poison choke you again. He is a liar that whats to choke the life out of you.
I am life, I am Love, I am a Lamb Roaring like a Lion. Be Still and know who I am.. Be still..

You are here

You are here

Most people know the 23rd Psalms from the Bible. 

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.[a]
3     He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness[b]
    for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,[c]
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely[d] goodness and mercy[e] shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell[f] in the house of the Lord
    forever.[g

This Psalms are often quoted at times of disaster, a death, war, or deep sorrow.  We find comfort in the words that someone is with us in the shadows of our lives. The dark moments in life are easier to navigate when you are not alone.

When we are children, we are afraid of the dark, afraid of what can happen, and of the “bogeyman". Turning off all the lights to sleep has turned into a mission. Getting up to get water or going to the bathroom, when all the lights were already off, was no longer an option. 

Everything was scary. Any shadow became a monster, any noise frightened us. Getting a scare from someone in the dark was much more terrifying. Walking in the dark was much more dangerous, and in seconds we felt like actors in a thriller movie.

In the dark, we can’t quite understand, or even see, our surroundings, so we stumble, but when we turn the lights on, we know exactly what is in the surroundings. In the dark we fear, but somehow having someone with you brings us security.

Many believe the 23rd Psalm was written by David during the civil war caused by Absalom's uprising. Of course, David was devastated and brokenhearted. It may have been the dimmest period of his life and this is where he wrote the beautiful words, "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want."  This psalm has been with me most of the summer. But the first few words are not the ones that speak to me the most. There are 26 words before and 26 words after but right in the middle are the words that speak to me the most and I think are at the heart of what David was trying to express in this Psalm.

In verse 4 it says this 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death; I will fear no evil, for you are with me. You are here, in the shadow of death, you are here.  In the presence of my enemies; you are here. I am not alone. What comfort it is to my heart to know that there is one who walks in beside me.  When I, like all dumb sheep, stray off course I know that Jesus my shepherd is there with me. He is the consent defender, guarding us from the beasts lurking in the darkness. When I am walking in a valley of sickness he is with me. When I walk through the Valley of grief he is with me. David understood that no matter what he was walking through that the Lord was with him.  

We often miss the simple truth about the valley of the shadow of death. In order for there to be a shadow, there also must be a light. Unexpected circumstances, heartbreak and trials take us from one place to another place in life in an instant. But no matter where we are in life, no matter what has happened, God is still there. No matter what shadow filled valley you are walking through He is there. For years I had this picture of crying out for help and the Lord running to rescue me. But this Psalm helped me understand that He does not have to run to me because no matter the valley I cry out from he is there with me. Cry out today and he will reach to rescue you. To make your path safe, to lead you to still water and green pastures. He is there